Today Started Early, in Crisis

Typically, I wake up my children around 7:30 AM. Typically, I give Ethan a quick sponge bath because he’s always covered in drool and snot from sleeping with his mouth wide open pressed into his blanket. Typically, Maverick gets dressed while this is going on. This morning was not a typical morning in my household, however.

I woke this morning to Maverick’s pained scream of “MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM, ETHAN IS COVERED IN HIS POOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOP” and Ethan making loud ‘dinosaur’ sounds as Maverick has recently taught him to. I roll myself out of bed and half walk, half crawl to their bedroom. “What the hell time is it?” I think to myself. It’s 5:45AM, the yellow numbers on my bedroom cable transmitter tell me. 15 minutes before my usual wake up time but I’ve only been asleep since about 2AM, six hours past my normal bedtime. I open the door to the boys’ room and the smell hits me immediately. Maverick looks at me as if I’m the one covered in my own excrement. Ethan is standing in his crib, both hands smeared with light yellow remnants of last nights’ dinner, poop all over the crib and his diaper halfway across the room. “MOM, ETHAN TOOK HIS DIAPER OFF AND HE THREW IT ACROSS THE ROOM AND NOW HE IS PLAYING WITH HIS POOP THAT IS SO GROSS!!”

I pick the baby up at arm’s length and carry him into the bathroom. He is shrieking at me with contempt because he wants me to hold him and I can’t. The smell has taken root in my nostrils so hard that it’s still there, nearly five hours later. I place shrieking Ethan in the bathtub without any water and move all soaps, shampoos, etc out of the way. In an attempt to erradicate my house of the smell I grab a plastic grocery bag from my collection beneath the bathroom sink. I gather up the blanket, fitted sheet, teddy bear, diaper, and Ethan’s onesie, all covered in poop, and throw them in the bag. I tie the bag at the handles, and place it into another grocery bag. I hurl it down the stairs on my way to bathe Ethan.

I leave the bathtub drain unplugged and run warm water, essentially rinsing the poop off my child as if he’s an object because I am so disgusted. The entire time he is laughing hysterically and Maverick is standing behind me, holding his nose, stripped down to his underwear, asking in a pinched voice “MOM WHY I CAN’T TAKE A BATH WITH ETHAN?” I correct him “Maverick, you can’t take a bath with Ethan because he is covered in poop and I am trying to get it off of him. Please go put on some clothes, it’s not your bath time right now.” Apparently, this translates in Maverick speak directly to “The second I turn around to plug the bathtub, take off your underwear and jump in!” Because that’s exactly what he did. NOW, it’s bath time / play time at 6:15 in the morning and all I want to do is stick my head in the toilet next to me because drowning has got to be easier than settling these kids down for breakfast at this point.


"Hey mom's camera, all the poop is off me now!"

By 7:00AM both boys are out of the bathtub, Ethan’s butt is sufficiently covered in baby powder and the rest of him in cocoa butter lotion. Maverick’s teeth are brushed and the television is on Nick Jr. and they are both waiting for breakfast. Maverick assists me in making blueberry pancakes which he eats precisely one half of one pancake (from a batch of 10) and Ethan eats three whole. I couldn’t make this up if I tried. This morning I am thankful for my Keurig coffee maker, I have had six cups so far. I am thankful for the rain holding off, that was Ethan’s last pair of bedsheets (I just can’t stand the thought of touching the poop enough to wash them, not the greenest thing I could do and I’m aware of it but let’s face it… they’re five dollars at Wal-Mart and it’s POOP. GROSS.) and I need to make a trip to the store to get more. I am thankful for the giant ridiculous clump of trash bags beneath my bathroom sink which I complain about almost every time I have to grab a roll of toilet paper. I am thankful for my kids, because covered in poop or dirt or chalk or whatever mess they create, I always have something to laugh about.